ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

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*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going


Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?

Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me


When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.


Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.


Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.


[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit


Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit


Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.


wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult