ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
when revenge coincides with naptime
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: