Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.