That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
ME: How fresh is the “fresh octopus”?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.
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*starts throwing a fit*
Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.
Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.
Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Me: So what year is it?
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.
Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?