@BrandonEsWolf

ME: How fresh is the “fresh octopus”?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.

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@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@DumbConfessions

*starts throwing a fit*

Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers.

Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@KKAlThani

I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@lasergirl70

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.