I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
me
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
dude it’s called proctologist
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath