Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
multitasking lunch
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I think I’ll stand
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds