Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting