Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.