Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?