ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
You Might Also Like
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.