Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.