Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
me: How many calls do I get?
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
You Might Also Like
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth