@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

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@Mom_Overboard

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

@moose_chocolate

My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik’s cube.

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@DaHess1

Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.