“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me