@Mom_Overboard Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
@animaldrumss me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
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@Mom_Overboard 
@sixfootcandy Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
@moose_chocolate My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik’s cube.
@Bratterina -If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
Me: pfffffft
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
@DaHess1 Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
@JediGigi What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
@Sophie2078 Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
@dadofbieber Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
@TheGladStork When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
@weinerdog4life I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.