@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

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@T_Bonezzz_

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

@thejessbess

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

@diaruba74

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@comotethomas

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@Reverend_Scott

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

@girlnarly

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isnโ€™t teeth