Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: How many calls do I get?
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
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Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik’s cube.
-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.