Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:
“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?