went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.
I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*