@zoevsuniverse

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

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@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@Vodkantots

I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.

I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

@DaddyJew

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*