@zoevsuniverse

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

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@david8hughes

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

@IvoryGazelle

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@Poutymcgee

I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

@Glennot73

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no