me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…


[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.


Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest


You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.


the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason


[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.


[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?


I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.


U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good