me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.