me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
So, can we agree on 4 or
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Good morning y’all ☀️
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*frowns in Scottish*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”