Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.