Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
be careful
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.