ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Cats (2019)
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”