@newLettuce

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

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@MissHavisham

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

@iamspacegirl

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@schumoo

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

@RandyRainbow

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

@BunAndLeggings

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn