Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!