Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
crazy
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy