Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess