Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Barbie gone wild