me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My dog鈥檚 dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today鈥檚 steps are coming from inside the casino.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn鈥檛 say he loved making toast in the bath
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
babe what鈥檚 wrong you鈥檝e barely touched any of your triceramisu
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I鈥檓 the only one who can digest milk
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i鈥檓 feeling ok
therapist: great! let鈥檚 ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Lmaoo 馃槀
The 30 mins before I start my kid鈥檚 bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I鈥檒l let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don鈥檛 you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
sorry I didn鈥檛 call the dog ate your phone number
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.