me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’m giving up for Lent.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Who’s your best friend?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*