Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.