3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
they’ve hired a PR firm
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”