@Browtweaten

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

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@ArfMeasures

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

@canadian_jane

If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.

@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@Terdoh

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@TheMichaelRock

Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.

@LuvPug

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.