me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?