me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour