@PopeFrancisXXX If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?
@Iwriteforcats Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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@PopeFrancisXXX 
@JhonRules Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.
@NintenDom Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.
@RodLacroix [Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
@prufrockluvsong Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
@BoomBoomBetty Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
@Reverend_Scott [holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
@kunalrao It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.
@That_Damn_Duck Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
@iamburtjarvis ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af