Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

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If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?


Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.


Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.


[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute


Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp


Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]


It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.


ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af