Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

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My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *


Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..


My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.


I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”


Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me


“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*


I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.


Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]


Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”