@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

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@prufrockluvsong

Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend

@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@TheBoydP

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

@daemonic3

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

@starsnbars7

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

@thenatewolf

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.