@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

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@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

@Bredwh

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@KeithAshers

If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@hermanntrude

Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@Contwixt

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

@Godhatespants

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”