ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This is why I hate group projects
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
knights of the ikea table