Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.