me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts