Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.