me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.


It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.


You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.


If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone


Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.


*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”


Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit


Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.