@SCbchbum

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

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@VeganZebra

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@jakob_huber

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@LMLMadness

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@ABurgerADay

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!