[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-