Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
decorating my apartment
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Overindulged this afternoon.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…