me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.