me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.