Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Thursday
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Usage Guidelines