Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.