@HousewifeOfHell
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
@iinkedZombie
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
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@HousewifeOfHell
@Love_bug1016
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
@TimFederle
Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”
@iGreenMonk
No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.
@charliedelta7
Your face. There’s a bat for that.
@Marlebean
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
@carlielyn
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
@venomjunkie2
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
@aparnapkin
Saint West, the patron of selfies
@MattOswaltVA
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos