@iinkedZombie

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

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@HousewifeOfHell

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@TimFederle

Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.

@Marlebean

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

@carlielyn

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

@venomjunkie2

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

@MattOswaltVA

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos