me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.


Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.


Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”


No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.


*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*


“I’m Sorry”
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.


My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?


not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos