ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Become a minion. Get that bread.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”