I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“HELP!” Joe pants.
“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.
“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.
Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person
Literally my professional life
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?