Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal