Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes