@1Bad_Scientist

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

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@Spaziotwat

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@nbadag

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@TheHyyyype

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

@JimViscardi

The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes