me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill