Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it