Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema


If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.


When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.


I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.


My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs


I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.


Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…


Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.