Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

You Might Also Like


the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters


You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.


The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.


what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid


I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.


SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener


“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work


Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.