@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@cluedont

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@mydaughtersarmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@famouscrab

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

@AbleLikes

I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.

@ArfMeasures

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

@mattgallo123

“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.