Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.