the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
Me: How was your first day of school?
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“Don’t be shy!”
-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.