@chuuew

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

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@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@Reverend_Scott

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

@tastefactory

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

@TennisShoeBoi

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

@AndyAsAdjective

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706