ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

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Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.


Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.


ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key


Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.


the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason


My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.


eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.