ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.


[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”


[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule


PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi


On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.