[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Cooking = 1 hour
Eating = 5 mins
Dishes = 3 days
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.