ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Pandas 🐼🖤
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
we’re dead?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.