I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Group projects are the best
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas