Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”