@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@DocBrown21

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

@dugglebutt

“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset

@CornOnTheGoblin

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

@murrman5

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe