@thepaulahunt

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@Be___Dope

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

@hippieswordfish

In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@bananafitz

i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@ShellHasDragons

If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science