Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?


My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?


My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

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Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.


Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.


Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.


me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra


Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…


[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.


WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok


ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor


Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?


Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.