Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.