@weinerdog4life
Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.
@thepaulahunt
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
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@weinerdog4life
@Be___Dope
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
@hippieswordfish
In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man
@ericsshadow
7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*
Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@ThatAdamKid
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
@StillOnTheMoors
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
@bananafitz
i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.
@thesulk
“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”
@EndhooS
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
@ShellHasDragons
If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.
It’s science