Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?


My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?


My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

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Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man


7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.


Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”


i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.


“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science