@scant_alpaca

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

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@genehunter1

I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.

@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@215potter

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

@dakarrier

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

@advicefromphil

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@SatansTongue

*at church*
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
“Jim no”

@PanicRestroom

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath