I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?”
? ????? ?? ????? ???? ?????
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath