@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

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@Part_Time_Poet_

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

@daemonic3

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@lakeanagirl

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

@LinajkReturns

Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.