Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
My favorite X-Men character is Nicki Minaj.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.