@TheAlexNevil

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

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@locustbones

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

@eff_yeah_steph

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@birbigs

If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”

@junejuly12

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.