Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout