Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl


[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]


“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”


Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.


“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”


I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.


You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.


If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”


Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.