Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently